My Experience with Landmark Education

Not long after my husband and I started dating, he took a course called the Landmark Forum. At the time, he was struggling with a tenacious relationship with his landlord who worked at the same premises he was leasing. He did not feel in control of the situation and this affected his focus, happiness and energy levels.

After the Forum my husband frequently encouraged me to register for the program as he went on to complete two other Landmark courses as well as coach one of the programs. I Googled Landmark Education and read opinions varying from positive to claims it was an outright cult. I had attended Josh's last night of the Forum (where friends and family are welcome) and people made me wear a nametag (how hippy dippy), wanted to call me for my feedback on the night (I ignored their calls) and invited me to sign up. I concluded these people were annoying and just trying to sell me.

Despite my reservations, I had to admit my husband had changed for the better. He took control in his relationship with his landlord and his work environment improved. My husband was more relaxed, happier and unconcerned about what other people thought. He also no longer shied away from direct conversations that would have made me squirm. How did this happen?!

I finally decided to sign up for the Forum this past fall, after the program was described to me as life coaching. If people want to get better at sports, they hire a coach. If people want to improve their finances, they hire a financial adviser. Why not do the same for living life?

The week leading up to the program I felt skeptical and somewhat anxious. I did not know what to expect, except that we would be in a room with a bunch of other people for about 12 hours a day for three days straight. I told my husband I was going to remain quiet throughout the course. Truth be told, I was apprehensive of examining my life in so much detail.

The Forum commenced at 8:00am sharp on Friday morning. Looking around the room, I found myself among roughly 160 people, ranging from their 20's to 70's, from various cultural and religious backgrounds. My anxiety eased that morning when our Forum leader, Will Steel, invited us to ask questions. A few people voiced their doubts about the program. One woman, a nurse, even asked how her $645 tuition was being spent. "You don't even feed us!" she exclaimed, to much laughter. Discovering I was among people who also felt wary, I started to relax.

Despite my determination to keep to myself, sharing with others seemed to just happen and felt surprisingly natural. On the first break, I shared with another woman what I was hoping to gain that weekend. I came with a long list. What I wanted for myself was peace of mind, better relationships with my parents and friends, to worry less, better cope with stress and to make decisions that are best for me, without worrying what other people will think.

The course covers a lot of material in three days and admittedly, I felt drained after the first day. I was not used to sitting in one spot or listening for so long. I went home that night feeling emotionally spent, but I also felt a sense of comfort and community. While my classmates and I were a diverse group of strangers, we were all there for a similar purpose: to grow, learn something about ourselves and to live life better. Many of us wanted improved relationships, more confidence, success and happiness and less fear and stress.

Realizing our similar aspirations allowed me to feel safe sharing intimate details of my life with my fellow classmates. And share we did. Throughout the weekend, we were sharing (either in front of the group or with the person sitting beside us) what was going on in our lives - problems we had, issues we were currently facing, traumatic events that happened to us and goals we wanted to accomplish. For people who chose to be coached at the microphone, Will would help the speakers dissect what was shared into two parts: the story and what happened. As humans we have a tendency to create stories about events that happened in our lives. We collapse the story with what happened and therefore we believe that the story is what happened. However, if we separate the two, we can free ourselves from the story and the impact it has had on us.

Landmark advocates living in the present and taking action now as opposed to someday. Accordingly,  we were given assignments to complete during our breaks as well as each night. One assignment was to call people in our lives that we wanted to get "complete" with. Getting complete means cleaning up relationships by resolving ongoing challenges, sharing unspoken feelings and being honest.

After realizing several stories I had created about my parents over the years, I decided to call them. This was no easy task. I was scared of their reaction and was not accustomed to being so vulnerable with them. Feeling emotional, I took a pile of Kleenex, sat in a corner of the classroom and dialed their number. My mom answered and I tried to talk but landed up crying. Eventually I told her I was at Landmark, to which she responded "I don't think this Landmark is good for you." "No, it is!" I replied through tears and proceeded to tell her I loved her and what I realized about our relationship.

In my teenage years my mother and I would argue regularly (not unusual for a teenager-parent relationship). One of the stories I created about her during these arguments was that she was fragile, overly sensitive did not listen to or understand me. Despite the fact that we had not fought in years, I believed that story about my mother was real and refrained from sharing much of myself with her for so many years. Even as I was sharing this story, I was terrified of her reaction. But my mother's response and participation in the conversation totally blew me away. Since then we have had several genuine conversations where each time she has amazed me with her depth, her understanding and ability to listen.

I spoke to my father a few days after the Forum was over and the experience was the same. I also spoke with my siblings and a few close friends. In getting complete with them, I felt lighter, freer, and able to relate to them in a more loving and authentic way.

While the Forum is not focused solely on relationships, there is certainly an emphasis on cleaning up our relationships, as how can our lives work if our relationships are not working?

It is challenging to summarize what went on throughout the weekend (for a detailed syllabus, go to: http://www.landmarkeducation.com/landmark_forum_course_syllabus) but what I gained from the course is clear. I understand that the stories, complaints and limits I invent for myself and others, all work to constrain my self-perception, relationships and accomplishments. I now recognize when I'm creating stories, limits, complaints... and I can let them go! The results, to name a few, are: I am more genuine and loving in my relationships; I reconnected with a lost best friend and repaired a relationship with another; I worry less, care less what others think and I lost my desire to gossip.

After the Forum, I signed up for the next step in the Landmark curriculum, the Advanced Course, which I completed a week ago. The Advanced Course builds on the principles taught in the Forum. I learned how humans are wired; how we think, create reality, relate to one another and to ourselves. I got a clear sense of who I am and now understand how to be present and to love being in the moment, without the constant looking forward to "when that will come". I no longer allow my fears to prevent me from taking action (more on this to come in a future blog post). I also learned to recognize my thoughts and feelings for what they are - thoughts and feelings and not reality.

These may sound like bold claims, but I have spoken with many other Landmark graduates who have achieved equally impressive results. From my perspective Landmark Education is so effective for four reasons:

1. The group setting. We were told to listen to others sharing from the perspective of what we wanted to achieve in our own lives. Several major breakthroughs came from listening in this manner. The setting also provides peers to share with and support each other throughout the program.

2. Landmark is not about informational education. It is an exercise in experiential learning (a.k.a. learning by experiencing) and taking immediate action through the assignments. The result is that the benefits I gained from the course are not simply concepts I remind myself of, but a new way that I feel and experience life.

3. Three straight days in the classroom allows for the education to sink in.

4. Landmark doesn't just teach you for the weekend and say sayonara. After the Forum a free 10-week seminar is available, which provides the tools and practice needed to incorporate the Forum's principles into everyday life. As with the Forum, there is also a network of peers to support each other.

I have never felt more calm, empowered, present and confident as I do right now. I am signed up for the Landmark Self Expression and Leadership Program in the spring, a program in which we plan a project and make it happen. I am really looking forward to what I will be creating. But until then, I am going to enjoy every moment I have, loving my life and those around me. And for the first time, I genuinely know how to do that.

Making the Right Choice vs. Making a Choice

Free will; it is the birthright of every human, so the Bible tells us. We are blessed with the ability to make choices for ourselves. We can choose our actions, thoughts, ideals, values and more. Given that choosing is as much a part of human existence as breathing, why is it often so darn perplexing?

There are times that I find myself at a standstill in life. I know that change needs to happen in a certain area of my life, yet I am unsure of what is the best course of action. Struggling to make a decision or sometimes not even knowing what options are out there, I fail to take any action at all. My choice essentially becomes choosing no action until I have a clue.

One category of decisions involves a known set of actions or information gathering that is required to derive the right choice. For example, if I want to obtain a mortgage I first need to research what various financial institutions offer in terms of interest rates, mortgage terms, insurance requirements, down payments and determine what can I afford. Once my homework is done, one of a few comparable options will surface and the decision should be relatively straightforward.

Other times, what I need to know or figure out is not so clear cut. I’ll call these grey decisions. For example: what charities or community issues do I want to dedicate my time to? How do I overcome procrastination? I am unhappy in my current profession, but I don’t know what is THE avocation that I want to pursue. It is these types of decisions that often have me stumped and consequently, inert. After all, no one is putting a gun to my head to make a decision... other than my gut, which tells me something needs to change. And often, my gut gets muffled by the louder voice in my head, which shouts, “Well, I haven’t an F’in clue and I’m scared I will make the wrong choice!” That fear of making a mistake often leads to the bigger mistake: status quo.

In my head status quo can often be justified as waiting for that right moment, and it can be comfortable in the sense that I know what it feels like. It is the familiar. I wonder, however, can there really be those “aha” moments when it comes to grey decisions? Is it possible to figure out the best decision based solely on information gathering or do the answers only become clearer with experience?

Depending on the nature of the change, choosing to experience the unknown can be scary, even risky. Jumping into a new profession or educational program can seem daunting, especially when considering the opportunity cost (salary sacrificed, learning curve, starting over...) and the commitment involved. This risk gets further magnified if you do not know in advance if you are making the right choice. But when it comes to decisions that impact how you feel, how can you ever know in advance, without experiencing living out that decision? After all, many of my classmates went to law school and became practicing lawyers because they thought it was the best option or what they wanted. Only later, did they discover that they did not like practicing law after all.

So what to do in these grey scenarios?

I have been struggling with this debate in several aspects of my life, one of which has been blogging. My fears of not being an amazing writer, of not having sufficient creative writing experience or of my posts being critiqued, have led to inactivity on this front for the majority of time since I started this blog. And I justified my inaction as not really wanting to write, but that is far from the truth! I suppressed and put off my passion for writing for so long, because I did not know how I could be that amazing writer or what I would be writing about from week to week.

Finally last week it hit me – I am never going to improve as a writer if I do not write. Who cares if my posts are not Pulitzer prize winners?! I will improve and I will come up with ideas and be inspired and write. And it feels GREAT to write. My experience of writing is proving to be more powerful than whatever information or divine knowledge I was waiting to receive.

What has rung true for me is that sometimes it is more important to make a choice, even if I do not have it all figured out, including whether it is the right choice. From my experiences as of late (which I will blog about in future), choosing leads me to creating and taking action even without having all the knowledge of how or why.

And the truth of the matter is, no magic wand exists to tell us if we made the right choice. Many decisions will involve some element of risk. So I choose, aim for success and if I do not like the outcome, choose again. That is the beauty of free will.

 

The Meaning of Marriage

Sunday marked my 3 month wedding anniversary. As a tribute to my loving husband, I am sharing the journal entry I wrote leading up to our wedding, in which I pondered the commitment I was about to make while struggling to write my marriage vows.

I am getting married in just under 2 1/2 weeks. I am excited, nervous, elated, blissful, slightly anxious and, I guess you can say, all the other "normal" feelings brides-to-be have in the time leading up to the big day.

It's amazing what life has thrown my way. For a period of time not too long ago, I didn't even think I wanted to get married. I had just gotten over a long-term relationship that had dragged on post-breakup and I was feeling free and invigorated being independent and single. I didn't want to be tied down and restricted by one person my whole life.

Looking back on it, the dynamics of my previous relationship completely clouded my perspective on what "could be" in a relationship with a partner who was better matched to me. A partner who makes me feel empowered and liberated while being in the comfort of a secure, loving relationship.

I have never been one to fantasize about my future. I knew the qualities I was looking for in a man, but I never daydreamed about when I would meet him, let alone marry him.

When I messaged my now fiancé on Plenty of Fish, not even two years ago, I had no idea what was in store; that I'd meet a man who is kind, wonderful, open, generous, handsome, gentle, patient, fun and laid back; that we'd have this instant connection; that our relationship would feel almost effortless; that we would move in together before our first anniversary, or that he'd propose on Valentine's Day, following a series of personalized love notes I found throughout the day in mysteriously appearing fortune cookies that culminated in the question being cracked open on our dessert plate following dinner at the restaurant where we had our first date (sigh, yes he's a romantic).

Fast forward to now and it's almost our wedding day and I have yet to finalize my wedding vows. I thought perhaps it would be helpful to reflect on what marriage means to me.

From a purely economical perspective marriage makes sense as it is a pooling of resources and skills allocated to their best use, leading to benefits such as.. less time to clean the apartment than before (he can do bathrooms while I clean the kitchen - how amazing is that?!). And for those who want children, having one partner earn an income while the other rears, one partner bathe a child while the another does math homework with the other child... it makes sense.

In modern day, however, with sperm donors, increased women in the workforce and the ability to hire a second set of hands, marriage is no longer a choice of necessity and many do choose to forgo it. However, many, if not most people, do want to get married. They choose to commit to a lifetime relationship, many of which fail and at a potentially high cost  - divorces are often expensive.

So, societal pressures, economics and child-rearing aside, what does marriage mean to these people to propel them to take a death-to-us-part oath? What does it mean to me?

When I think of marriage I think of commitment. A commitment you choose and re-choose every day. A partnership with a teammate. Someone who is there to lift you when you fall, encourage and motivate you and challenge you to be the best you can be. Someone to play with you, laugh with you, share with you, stand beside you, cry with you and love you through thick and thin. And when times get challenging that teammate chooses again and again to stay on your team. After all, every team knows you can't win 'em all. Marriage is also a safe haven to be yourself, even if it's yourself on not-so-good days. 

To me, marriage is not a leap of faith with my partner. For me it is a certainty that I have found someone who fits so well with me, who gets me, who understands me and whose presence feels so natural to me that it's a no-brainer that I want to marry him. People refer to marriage as settling down but I know that I am certainly not settling.

Following this journal entry I started to write and rewrite my marriage vows. Many versions ensued. Here is the final product:

You are my emotional anchor the love of my life and my best friend.

When I’m with you my heart and soul feel that they are home.

I am so excited to be your wife and your teammate.
Throughout our lifelong journey together, I promise to:
Love you for who you are.
Care for you and make your lunches whenever you like.
Comfort you and to tuck you in at night when I go to bed after you.

I promise to be present and committed in our relationship when we face great times, challenges, differences of opinion, or loss.
I promise to support you in your personal growth and achieving your dreams.
I promise to value the hundreds of little ways you show me every day how important I am to you.
I promise to laugh with you, to stand by your side, to hold your hand, to share with you, and to listen (unless Survivor is on TV).

I promise to encourage you to develop your imaginative and creative spirit.

And I promise to try to make you feel as important, loved and as lucky as I feel when I’m with you.

I am the luckier one and I can’t wait to be married to you.

Golf Lesson a Lesson in Life?

Yesterday I went to a Links for Women event hosted by a law firm I used to work at. Links For Women is a company dedicated to providing quality golf instruction designed by women, for women. The event was held at RattleSnake Point Golf Club in Milton, Ontario and was fantastic. In the morning we had three hours of golf lessons with a ClubLink instructor and, after lunch, on-the-course instruction while playing a nine-hole scramble.

For an amateur golfer, the lessons were much needed and very instructive. Interestingly, I found much of what I was learning on the golf course to be relevant life lessons.

Here are the top five lessons we received:

1. The importance of focus. The morning consisted of several circuits, including club grip, the driving range, pitching, putting and chipping. However my favorite circuit was a talk we received about the mental game of golf. A golfer's mental game is just as important as the physical one, because once you have the technical knowledge down packed, your subconscious can execute the actions without the need of conscious thought. In other words, your body sort of runs on autopilot (ever drive your car to work and not be able to remember the drive itself?). The golfer needs to quiet the mind, turn off their conscious stream of thoughts and just do. Get in the zone and focus.

This is easier said than done. During the lesson I realized I was not focusing, as I had just read a frustrating work email and was dwelling on it, as opposed to actively listening to the instructor. And then I thought of all the times I had gotten sidetracked from a work task that needed quiet concentration. There I would be, working away, until I suddenly got side-tracked with other thoughts and to-do's that popped into my head and stole my attention. What happened to that first task? It didn't get done! Or it took much longer than it should have.

2. Visualization leads to actualization. We were told a story about Major James Nesbeth who was a prisoner of war in North Vietnam for seven years in solitary confinement. Everyday during those seven years he played 18 holes of golf. The game was not physically played but mentally played. It took place at his favorite course and each time he played he took the perfect swings, and played the perfect game. He imagined the weather, the surroundings, his grip, his set-up, everything. When he was finally released from prison he entered a golf tournament and shot a 76, 20 strokes better than his handicap, after not having physically played a game in seven years.

After that story we did a small visualization exercise. Standing up, we were asked to swing our torsos around as far as we could, make a mental note of our line of vision and turn back. We were then asked to close our eyes, visualize ourselves turning farther, then open our eyes and try it again. Lo and behold, after the visualization exercise I was able to twist 50% more than I had been able to before! On the course, I visualized myself taking good swings and straight putts. Now I'm a newbie, so it's not like the Tiger Woods in me came out or anything (far from it!), but I was impressed with my ability after such a short time of practice.

I kept on thinking to myself, if this is how visualization can help your golf game, what else can it do for you in life?

3. You can pick your truth. This wasn't so much a golf lesson as it was an interesting perspective on the way people's minds work and influence their actions. One of the women in my group is married with two kids. While her husband golfs regularly, she golfs infrequently because she can't imagine taking four or five hours away from her family on the weekend. Her husband has no qualms about this. She repeated to us his explanation of why that is: "The difference between you and me, is that you take the kids to the park, do work on your Blackberry and think I'm such a bad mom. Whereas I take the kids to the park, do work on my Blackberry and think I'm awesome! I can do everything!"

To me this story was a reminder that there are several interpretations that can be made on the same series of events. We often assume the interpretation we've made is the right one, but had we chosen another, it could be equally as true. As I learned during our talk on the mental game of golf, the subconscious mind does not know fiction or imagination from reality and the stories we tell it will impact our memories and emotions. So if more than one interpretation can be true, why do we often let our minds go to the negative one? Perhaps those of us who do need to retrain our brains to be more positive.

4. And speaking of positivity, that leads me to the next lesson I learned: If you don't got it, fake it. Our female instructor told us women amateur golfers tend to apologize to the people they're golfing with for their poor skills, before the game begins. She encouraged us NEVER to do this for two reasons. Firstly, telling people in advance you don't play well, will only lead you not to play well - negative self talk and negative visualization trains the subconscious to allow you to fail. Secondly, you have as much of a right to be there as everyone else - you've paid your course or tournament fees and you are entitled to play. So if you don't got it, fake it. People will feed off your confidence just as they will feed off your low self-esteem. And how ELSE are you going to get better if you don't play?

5. Make your own mistakes. It will cost you two strokes in a tournament if you ask for advice, or if someone gives you advice, it will cost them two strokes. Our instructor encouraged us not to listen to any unsolicited advice as it often pertains more to what that person wants to improve on, and less on what is right for you. Besides, if you're going to make a mistake, you want it to be your own mistake, not someone else's. How else are you ever going to learn?


When our scramble was over, the event ended with cocktails and massages. Overall a perfect day away from the office, having fun, being active and outdoors. With the great instruction and hours of practice, I got a little better at golf and a little wiser in life.

Meaning in Discomfort

After an energetic start, my blog has been on a nine month hiatus. I started writing and then stopped immediately. I was so enthusiastic about this new project and yet the thought of actually pursuing it made me uncomfortable and apprehensive. It took me awhile to even ask myself the question: why am I procrastinating here?

I am not an avid user of social media (this statement might sound doubtful after my previous post, but it is true). The thought of putting my writing and opinions on the World Wide Web for everyone to see and (yikes!) publicly critique, was nerve wracking.

My response to discomfort, not only with respect to blogging, but in general (including life changes I want to make, work assignments where I don't know where to start, and confronting others for difficult conversations) is usually the same - avoidance. Pushing yourself can be scary. There is the possibility of failure, criticism, and the lingering self-doubt of whether you're good enough. If you don't try, these possibilities never have the opportunity to come to fruition, right? Wrong! While the result of failure from the action never has the chance to occur, the failure to take action is very real and the thoughts associated with knowing that you haven't even had the courage to try can be really defeating. This has been my experience.


Conversely, it is those moments when I face and tackle discomfort, in which the most amazing things happen and I discover: (a) I'm better at doing X than I thought I was, (b) what's scary is the unknown, and once I make it known by taking action, it's not so scary or bad, and (c) I feel great for having taken a chance on myself. Even if the result is not as ideal as desired, just putting in the effort produces an endorphin reward (it's happening right now!).

I was reading an article in Men's Journal, Laird Hamilton Says: Make Yourself Uncomfortable. The article discusses how putting your body into discomfort can help you become a better athlete. "What separates great athletes from mediocre ones isn’t only talent and training — it’s also how well they can handle discomfort." Reading the article, I couldn't help but think this is also what separates highly accomplished people from the rest of us. Those who can tackle new challenges, stresses and discomforts certainly fair better in life than those who don't. Perhaps the experience of discomfort means that there is an area in your life where you have room to grow. Perhaps it means the exact opposite of our natural inclination of flight - the cause of discomfort is something you need to face.

So alas, I have decided to ignore my ego and apprehension and to follow my intuition to pursue this blog. No more procrastination (although cleaning my closet can probably wait one more night).