Not long after my husband and I started dating, he took a course called the Landmark Forum. At the time, he was struggling with a tenacious relationship with his landlord who worked at the same premises he was leasing. He did not feel in control of the situation and this affected his focus, happiness and energy levels.
After the Forum my husband frequently encouraged me to register for the program as he went on
to complete two other Landmark courses as well as coach one of the programs. I Googled Landmark Education and read opinions varying from positive to claims it was an outright cult. I had attended Josh's last night of the Forum (where friends and family are welcome) and people made me wear a
nametag (how hippy dippy), wanted to call me for my feedback on the
night (I ignored their calls) and invited me to sign up. I concluded these people were annoying and just trying to sell me.
Despite my reservations, I had to admit my husband had changed for the better. He took control in his relationship with his landlord and his work environment improved. My husband was more relaxed, happier and unconcerned about what other people thought. He also no longer shied away from direct conversations that would have made me squirm. How did this happen?!
I finally decided to sign up for the Forum this past fall, after the program was described to me as life coaching. If people want to get better at sports, they hire a coach. If people want to improve their finances, they hire a financial adviser. Why not do the same for living life?
The week leading up to the program I felt skeptical and somewhat anxious. I did not know what to expect, except that we would be in a room with a bunch of other people for about 12 hours a day for three days straight. I told my husband I was going to remain quiet throughout the course. Truth be told, I was apprehensive of examining my life in so much detail.
The Forum commenced at 8:00am sharp on Friday morning. Looking around the room, I found myself among roughly 160 people, ranging from their 20's to 70's, from various cultural and religious backgrounds. My anxiety eased that morning when our Forum leader, Will Steel, invited us to ask questions. A few people voiced their doubts about the program. One woman, a nurse, even asked how her $645 tuition was being spent. "You don't even feed us!" she exclaimed, to much laughter. Discovering I was among people who also felt wary, I started to relax.
Despite my determination to keep to myself, sharing with others seemed to just happen and felt surprisingly natural. On the first break, I shared with another woman what I was hoping to gain that weekend. I came with a long list. What I wanted for myself was peace of mind, better relationships with my parents and friends, to worry less, better cope with stress and to make decisions that
are best for me, without worrying what other people will think.
The course covers a lot of material in three days and admittedly, I felt drained after the first day. I was not used to sitting in one spot or listening for so long. I went home that night feeling emotionally spent, but I also felt a sense of comfort and community. While my classmates and I were a diverse group of strangers, we were all there for a similar purpose: to grow, learn something about ourselves and to live life better. Many of us wanted improved relationships, more confidence, success and happiness and less fear and stress.
Realizing our similar aspirations allowed me to feel safe sharing intimate details of my life with my fellow classmates. And share we did. Throughout the weekend, we were sharing (either in front of the group or with the person sitting beside us) what was going on in our
lives - problems we had, issues we were currently facing,
traumatic events that happened to us and goals we wanted to accomplish. For people who chose to be coached at the microphone, Will would help the speakers dissect what was shared into two parts: the story and
what happened. As humans we have a tendency to create stories about events that happened in our lives. We collapse the story with what happened and therefore we believe that the story is what happened. However, if we separate the two, we can free ourselves from the story and the impact it has had on us.
Landmark advocates living in the present and taking action now as opposed to someday. Accordingly, we were given assignments to complete during our breaks as well as each night. One assignment was to call people in our lives that we wanted to get "complete" with. Getting complete means cleaning up relationships by resolving ongoing challenges, sharing unspoken feelings and being honest.
After realizing several stories I had created about my parents over the years, I decided to call them. This was no easy task. I was scared of their reaction and was not accustomed to being so vulnerable with them. Feeling emotional, I took a pile of Kleenex, sat in a corner of the classroom and dialed their number. My mom answered and I tried to talk but landed up crying. Eventually I told her I was at Landmark, to which she responded "I don't think this Landmark is good for you." "No, it is!" I replied through tears and proceeded to tell her I loved her and what I realized about our relationship.
In my teenage years my mother and I would argue regularly (not unusual for a teenager-parent relationship). One of the stories I created about her during these arguments was that she was fragile, overly sensitive did not listen to or understand me. Despite the fact that we had not fought in years, I believed that story about my mother was real and refrained from sharing much of myself with her for so many years. Even as I was sharing this story, I was terrified of her reaction. But my mother's response and participation in the conversation totally blew me away. Since then we have had several genuine conversations where each time she has amazed me with her depth, her understanding and ability to listen.
I spoke to my father a few days after the Forum was over and the experience was the same. I also spoke with my siblings and a few close friends. In getting complete with them, I felt lighter, freer, and able to relate to them in a more loving and authentic way.
While the Forum is not focused solely on relationships, there is certainly an emphasis on cleaning up our relationships, as how can our lives work if our relationships are not working?
It is challenging to summarize what went on throughout the weekend (for a detailed syllabus, go to: http://www.landmarkeducation.com/landmark_forum_course_syllabus) but what I gained from the course is clear. I understand that the stories, complaints and limits I invent for myself and others, all work to constrain my self-perception, relationships and accomplishments. I now recognize when I'm creating stories, limits, complaints... and I can let them go! The results, to name a few, are: I am more genuine and loving in my relationships; I reconnected with a lost best friend and repaired a relationship with another; I worry less, care less what others think and I lost my desire to gossip.
After the Forum, I signed up for the next step in the Landmark curriculum, the Advanced Course, which I completed a week ago. The Advanced Course builds on the principles taught in the Forum. I learned how humans are wired; how we think, create reality, relate to one another and to ourselves. I got a clear sense of who I am and now understand how to be present and to love being in the moment, without the constant looking forward to "when that will come". I no longer allow my fears to prevent me from taking action (more on this to come in a future blog post). I also learned to recognize my thoughts
and feelings for what they are - thoughts and feelings and not reality.
These may sound like bold claims, but I have spoken with many other Landmark graduates who have achieved equally impressive results. From my perspective Landmark Education is so effective for four reasons:
1. The group setting. We were told to listen to others sharing from the perspective of what we wanted to achieve in our own lives. Several major breakthroughs came from listening in this manner. The setting also provides peers to share with and support each other throughout the program.
2. Landmark is not about informational education. It is an exercise in experiential learning (a.k.a. learning by experiencing) and taking immediate action through the assignments. The result is that the benefits I gained from the course are not simply concepts I remind myself of, but a new way that I feel and experience life.
3. Three straight days in the classroom allows for the education to sink in.
4. Landmark doesn't just teach you for the weekend and say sayonara. After the Forum a free 10-week seminar is available, which provides the tools and practice needed to incorporate the Forum's principles into everyday life. As with the Forum, there is also a network of peers to support each other.
I have never felt more calm, empowered, present and confident as I
do right now. I am signed up for the Landmark Self Expression and Leadership Program in the spring, a program in which we
plan a project and make it happen. I am really looking forward to what I
will be creating. But until then, I am going to enjoy every moment I have, loving my life and those around me. And for the
first time, I genuinely know how to do that.