The Meaning of Marriage

Sunday marked my 3 month wedding anniversary. As a tribute to my loving husband, I am sharing the journal entry I wrote leading up to our wedding, in which I pondered the commitment I was about to make while struggling to write my marriage vows.

I am getting married in just under 2 1/2 weeks. I am excited, nervous, elated, blissful, slightly anxious and, I guess you can say, all the other "normal" feelings brides-to-be have in the time leading up to the big day.

It's amazing what life has thrown my way. For a period of time not too long ago, I didn't even think I wanted to get married. I had just gotten over a long-term relationship that had dragged on post-breakup and I was feeling free and invigorated being independent and single. I didn't want to be tied down and restricted by one person my whole life.

Looking back on it, the dynamics of my previous relationship completely clouded my perspective on what "could be" in a relationship with a partner who was better matched to me. A partner who makes me feel empowered and liberated while being in the comfort of a secure, loving relationship.

I have never been one to fantasize about my future. I knew the qualities I was looking for in a man, but I never daydreamed about when I would meet him, let alone marry him.

When I messaged my now fiancé on Plenty of Fish, not even two years ago, I had no idea what was in store; that I'd meet a man who is kind, wonderful, open, generous, handsome, gentle, patient, fun and laid back; that we'd have this instant connection; that our relationship would feel almost effortless; that we would move in together before our first anniversary, or that he'd propose on Valentine's Day, following a series of personalized love notes I found throughout the day in mysteriously appearing fortune cookies that culminated in the question being cracked open on our dessert plate following dinner at the restaurant where we had our first date (sigh, yes he's a romantic).

Fast forward to now and it's almost our wedding day and I have yet to finalize my wedding vows. I thought perhaps it would be helpful to reflect on what marriage means to me.

From a purely economical perspective marriage makes sense as it is a pooling of resources and skills allocated to their best use, leading to benefits such as.. less time to clean the apartment than before (he can do bathrooms while I clean the kitchen - how amazing is that?!). And for those who want children, having one partner earn an income while the other rears, one partner bathe a child while the another does math homework with the other child... it makes sense.

In modern day, however, with sperm donors, increased women in the workforce and the ability to hire a second set of hands, marriage is no longer a choice of necessity and many do choose to forgo it. However, many, if not most people, do want to get married. They choose to commit to a lifetime relationship, many of which fail and at a potentially high cost  - divorces are often expensive.

So, societal pressures, economics and child-rearing aside, what does marriage mean to these people to propel them to take a death-to-us-part oath? What does it mean to me?

When I think of marriage I think of commitment. A commitment you choose and re-choose every day. A partnership with a teammate. Someone who is there to lift you when you fall, encourage and motivate you and challenge you to be the best you can be. Someone to play with you, laugh with you, share with you, stand beside you, cry with you and love you through thick and thin. And when times get challenging that teammate chooses again and again to stay on your team. After all, every team knows you can't win 'em all. Marriage is also a safe haven to be yourself, even if it's yourself on not-so-good days. 

To me, marriage is not a leap of faith with my partner. For me it is a certainty that I have found someone who fits so well with me, who gets me, who understands me and whose presence feels so natural to me that it's a no-brainer that I want to marry him. People refer to marriage as settling down but I know that I am certainly not settling.

Following this journal entry I started to write and rewrite my marriage vows. Many versions ensued. Here is the final product:

You are my emotional anchor the love of my life and my best friend.

When I’m with you my heart and soul feel that they are home.

I am so excited to be your wife and your teammate.
Throughout our lifelong journey together, I promise to:
Love you for who you are.
Care for you and make your lunches whenever you like.
Comfort you and to tuck you in at night when I go to bed after you.

I promise to be present and committed in our relationship when we face great times, challenges, differences of opinion, or loss.
I promise to support you in your personal growth and achieving your dreams.
I promise to value the hundreds of little ways you show me every day how important I am to you.
I promise to laugh with you, to stand by your side, to hold your hand, to share with you, and to listen (unless Survivor is on TV).

I promise to encourage you to develop your imaginative and creative spirit.

And I promise to try to make you feel as important, loved and as lucky as I feel when I’m with you.

I am the luckier one and I can’t wait to be married to you.