Why Don’t We Do What We Want to Do?

Just Do It. Nike's slogan makes taking action sound so easy. Physically speaking, it is. Want to run? Go outside and put one foot in front of the other. Want to write? Grab a pen and paper and write. Want to learn something new? Read about the subject or enroll in a course. While the action itself is often evident, mental roadblocks can make even the smallest of tasks seem overwhelming.

Over the past week I have twice found myself in conversations about the dilemma of people not doing what they want to do. Everyone wants to accomplish a wide variety of things in their lives, be it pursuing hobbies, spending more time with loved ones or being financially responsible. Against our great intentions there is often a disconnect between what we want to do and what we actually do.

I realized I have a reoccurring failure in my life. Its latest incarnation came after I made a New Year's Resolution to work on my writing and publish at least four blog posts per month. Almost a week later, I started to work on my next post. Fear and apprehensiveness set in as I struggled to write a concise draft. I felt pressure to produce material if I was going to accomplish my resolution. I also experienced resignation that I was going to fail.

On Monday, I was in a group discussion where I was asked to share a recent challenge I was facing. Despite thinking my writing struggle was trivial, I divulged it to the group. Once I was finished, someone asked me: “When did this breakdown first occur in your life?”

My immediate inclination was to say the failure initially occurred when I struggled with my blog post. In fact, it first happened in high school. After some reflection, I pinpointed the breakdown's origin to be the first time I made a commitment to myself that I did not keep. In grade 10 I had gained weight and made a proclamation in my diary to lose the extra pounds. Throughout high school I had been skinny, healthy and had tremendous willpower and self-discipline. I strongly identified with that image, and as my body no longer matched it, I felt uncomfortable in my skin. I was also afraid of being judged or seeming weak by my family and friends.

I was not successful at achieving my desired weight loss for about two years and I felt badly about it throughout that period. Sharing this story evoked memories of subsequent commitments I made to myself in which I failed. My actions in all these cases were the same: I would make a declaration, often in a journal entry I would never bother to reread. The declaration might include a list of to-dos to achieve my goal. I would resist making the change or give up shortly later, when it got hard or I got lazy. In the end, I would resort to the familiar of keeping status quo.

The people I shared with have their own experiences of not doing what they want to do. One friend wants to exercise every day after work; something she has the time and ability to do and makes her feel great. Even with all in her favor, she has gone to the gym only once in the past month. Another friend wants to work less and focus more on his personal life; something he can choose to do as he is his own boss. A third wants to take on a unique project at work. Despite her boss having given her the green light to forge ahead with it, she has taken no action over the past year or so.

Listening to these stories, I realized I was in like company. We all have aspirations that (a) are within our control, and (b) would make us feel good.

The funny thing about not honoring my personal commitments is that while I am only responsible to myself, my self is constantly holding me to account. I never let myself off the hook; never stop wanting that commitment to be fulfilled. In the case of not doing something small, such as an activity I enjoy, this accountability appears as a nagging in the back of my mind saying, I want to do X. Why aren’t I doing X? For bigger ambitions, the inner struggle of wanting something accomplished and being paralyzed to strive for it, has caused me disappointment, regret and dissatisfaction.

So what is the solution to overcome this self paralysis?

Looking back on my life to identify the initial occurrence of the breadown and the familiar actions I take as a result has helped me recognize my behavioral patterns. After I discovered the failure, I examined what matters to me and how achieving what I want would factor into that. I decided that I am committed to being courageous in going after what I really want in life. 

With my patterns and my commitment in mind, the action seemed less daunting and I picked up the pen and wrote this blog post. As a result, my New Year’s Resolution is still in progress. And my self accountability just gave me two thumbs up.